ALBERT ON ALBERT

ALBERT: GREAT, YOU MADE IT. WAS TRAFFIC BAD, OR JUST FASHIONABLY LATE?

ALBERT: (LOOKS AT WATCH) YES.

SILENCE.

ALBERT: SHALL WE START?

ALBERT: SURE. I'VE NEVER BEEN INTERVIEWED BEFORE, SO I'M A BIT NERVOUS. DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO GET THE WRONG IDEA AND SUCH.

ALBERT: IS THAT THE CASE?

ALBERT: SOMETIMES... AND PEOPLE CAN BE MEAN. BY THE WAY, I WASN'T LATE.

ALBERT: I BELIEVE YOU. WHY ARE WE IN AN ELEVATOR?

ALBERT: I LIKE ELEVATORS, NICE ONES... LIKE THIS ONE. IT FEELS GOOD TO BE ALONE IN AN ELEVATOR. MAYBE IT'S THAT I LIKE IN-BETWEEN SPACES; LIKE PARKING STRUCTURES. I LIKE THOSE TOO.

ALBERT: SO DO YOU ALWAYS PARK IN A STRUCTURE?

ALBERT: NOT ALWAYS. THERE ARE THOSE WHERE I PARK TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE, AND THOSE THAT ARE THE DESTINATION. HOWEVER I USE THE METERS TOO, SINCE I LIKE THE IDEA OF BUYING TIME.

ALBERT: IS TIME AN ISSUE FOR YOU?

ALBERT: I MEAN, ITS KIND OF UNAVOIDABLE... SAD, REALLY.

ALBERT: WHY'S THAT?

ALBERT: SOMETIMES I'LL SET MY WATCH OR CLOCK MUCH FASTER, EVEN CALENDARS, JUST SO THAT IT FEELS LIKE THE FUTURE. BUT IT RARELY WORKS, AND I'M STUCK WITH MEMORIES FROM THE PAST.

ALBERT: WHEN DID IT ALL GO WRONG?

ALBERT: SOCIAL STUDIES, 4TH GRADE.

ALBERT: WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU?

ALBERT: I WANT TO TAKE A LONG NAP, IF I WERE TO NOT WAKE UP, EVEN BETTER. BUT IF I DO, I'LL EAT SOMETHING DELICIOUS & NUTRITIOUS. THEN I'LL WANT TO MAKE/ENGINEER SILENCE. WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO HAVE A SILENT TRACK ON YOUR IPOD OR A CD THAT, IF PUMPED LOUD ENOUGH, DROWNS OUT EVERYTHING ELSE? THAT WOULD BE SUPER.

ALBERT: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEARS.

ALBERT: MONKEYS AND POWER TOOLS. IF A MONKEY WERE TO EVER GET A HOLD OF A CORDLESS DRILL. (EXHALES) ALSO, I'VE BEEN EVER SO SUSPICIOUS OF SIGN LANGUAGE.

ALBERT: IS THAT WHY YOU SLAPPED THAT GIRL?

ALBERT: NO SHE HAD IT COMING, CRAZY BITCH.

ALBERT: ARE YOU FEELING CREATIVE THESE DAYS?

ALBERT: DEPENDS. SOMETIMES IMAGINATION WORKS AGAINST YOU. LIKE THE OTHER DAY, I BOUGHT A HAPPY MEAL SINCE I WAS FEELING DOWN.

ALBERT: I HEARD THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON A SCRIPT. LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE FINALLY OVER YOUR FEAR OF WRITING. CAN YOU TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT?

ALBERT: LIES. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. AND I HATE YOU FOR BRINGING THAT UP. I WAS NEVER SCARED; IT'S JUST THAT WRITING
FICTIONALIZES THINGS.

ALBERT: DO YOU HAVE A PARTICULAR AUDIENCE IN MIND WHEN PRODUCING YOUR WORK?

ALBERT: ME.

ALBERT: WHY DO YOU DRIVE AROUND AIMLESSLY DURING THE NIGHT?

ALBERT: COMMITMENTS GIVE PURPOSE IN LIFE.

ALBERT: I KNOW THAT YOU SQUISH/BREAK ALL THE FRUIT PIES LOCATED IN THE BREAD ISLE OF THE SUPERMARKET. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

ALBERT: I WISH I COULD SEE THE LOOK ON FATTY'S FACE AS THEY OPEN THE PACKAGE. I ALSO BREAK THE CHOCOLATE FILLED PIES.

ALBERT: WHAT WOULD YOU BUY WITH A $100?

ALBERT: A HUG.

ALBERT: WHAT DO YOU SECRETLY WISH FOR?

ALBERT: I WISH TO CONTROL TIME. THAT'S ALL.

ALBERT: THEN PROMISE ME SOMETHING.

ALBERT: I PROMISE YOU A HOUSE, A VOLVO, AND A PUPPY NAMED 'GRR.'

ALBERT: LAST QUESTION. HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT ME?

ALBERT:


ALBERT: I'M TOUCHED. I WISH YOU THE BEST.

ALBERT:






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